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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23249437">The Wonder of You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatherineF/pseuds/KatherineF'>KatherineF</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dorks in Love, Emotional Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neil Josten Needs a Hug, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sick Character, Soft Andrew Minyard, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, i promise it has a good ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:55:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23249437</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatherineF/pseuds/KatherineF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil is in complete denial that he is struggling with panic attacks. Andrew thinks it would be a good idea to get a support animal. They figure it out together.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>364</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Wonder of You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“-was a disgrace. What the hell were you thinking out there? Nicky, start focusing on the ball, not Aaron! Allison, too much aggression-”</p><p>Neil’s brain was working in overdrive, switching between here and a house in Baltimore, filled with haunted memories. </p><p>“-I don’t know what the hell that was-”</p><p>A flash of light reflecting off of a knife blade. Andrews obnoxiously orange jersey in the corner of his eye. His mom shouting, morphing into his dad, and then into Wymack.</p><p>He can’t get his eyes to focus properly. He’s trying desperately to focus on Wymacks half-time lecture, but his eyes keep focusing on the space between them.</p><p>“Neil-”</p><p>He doesn’t think, just acts. Tossing an arm up in front of himself, Neil shrinks into the couch and waits. The waiting is always the worst part, he thinks. The waiting is torture.</p><p>Neil’s brain catches up slowly, noticing the horrible silence that pervades the room and Wymacks sad exhaustion as he puts his hands in full view so that Neil can see that they aren’t there to hurt him.</p><p>There are always times when the foxes get that desolate look on their face when Neil does something that shows his trauma, but the pity is suffocating this time. For once in his life, he completely forgets about the game and runs out the door into the full but empty parking lot.</p><p>He can’t run. His mind is present enough to know that. Nothing could break Andrews trust faster than leaving, and he knows that if he takes one more step into the parking lot his instinct will take over. And Neil knows that once he decides to run, it’s hard to convince himself that it’s safe enough to stop.</p><p>He sits down in the center of the parking lot, body shaking and breath coming in quick gasps. He thinks of the appointments that he has begrudgingly been showing up to with Betsy, how she tells him to pay attention to what’s going on around him. </p><p>That would probably work, if he could feel the concrete underneath him or hear anything besides his horrible wheezing. </p><p>It takes him a moment to realize that someone is out there with him, speaking slowly. He startles at first, flinching backwards before recognizing the soothing voice.</p><p>“You are Neil Abram Josten, you are at the Foxhole Court playing a game of Exy, because you are a striker,” Andrew says calmly, slowly inching towards Neil. Neil closes his eyes and uses all of his energy to listen to Andrews voice.</p><p>After a while, Andrew is right beside but not quite touching Neil, and Neil nods quickly in the hopes that Andrew will touch him, ground him.</p><p>Andrew edges closer so that he is between Neils legs, and gently pushes Neils head to rest against his chest. He wishes that he could enjoy this more, but now that the pervading panic has left, he feels empty and cold. Andrew puts one hand protectively around his back and the other tangles itself in Neil's hair. At some point Neil recognizes that Andrew isn’t wearing his equipment anymore. He can’t bring himself to care about the game, it’s too exhausting to even think about standing right now.</p><p>They sit there until Neil can feel the pebbles from the concrete digging into his legs and the discomfort of his padding constricting his movement. He sighs and sits up, missing the warmth when Andrew lets his hands fall away. Andrew’s hair is damp from a shower and he’s dressed in his normal clothes. He can hear people starting to stream out of the building on the other side.</p><p>They look at each other for a moment before Andrew stands up and offers a hand to Neil. The idea of showering and changing seems daunting, especially since he knows the team will be in the locker room too. He can just imagine the comments that will be going around about him from the new foxes.</p><p>However, when they get into the locker room, it’s already empty.</p><p>It’s not until they’re standing under the spray in the shower than Andrew speaks up again.</p><p>“I did some research,” he says, watching Neil with a tiny furrow between his brows. Neil feels a bit guilty that he’s the one that put that there. He hums to let Andrew know that he is listening. “There are animals that can help with panic attacks. Like dogs.”</p><p>Andrew looks intently at Neil, who shakes his head dramatically. “Absolutely not. I don’t need some sort of...of… I don’t need a babysitter.”</p><p>Andrew frowns. “They aren’t babysitters, they just help with PTSD.”</p><p>Neil scrubs a hand through his hair aggressively. He hasn’t really been using that term. He knows that he has it, knows that there are things in his past that probably no one could go through without getting it, but he refuses to admit it. Betsy has been slowly working him up to it, giving him work books to use and a journal that he has stubbornly left empty on the bedside table. </p><p>“Well, I don’t need that either.” Neil can feel the anxiety build again, so he starts counting in French. Andrew can read his expression, and he lets the subject drop. Neil wishes that the subject hadn’t been introduced to begin with.</p><p>Unfortunately, now that it’s been mentioned, Neil just can’t get it out of his head. He is completely exhausted, and guilty for letting the team down by not being able to play the whole last half and for flinching from Wymack again. But Andrews words keep running through his head.</p><p>He isn’t sure exactly what it is that has offended him so much with the suggestion. He wonders if maybe Andrew is tired of holding him up all the time. He wonders what it would be like to have something that he was responsible for, like a child. The thought makes him want to vomit. </p><p>He doesn’t sleep that night.</p><p>-</p><p>Andrew hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Neil. That isn’t unusual, since Neil pops up in his head all the time. This time, he keeps thinking about his denial of his PTSD, and the way he reacted to the suggestion of a support animal.</p><p>He had gotten the idea from a movie, strangely enough. A character had an emotional support dog, and Andrew had immediately started researching the steps that it would take to get one for Neil. </p><p>He had made sure that they would be able to keep it in the dorms, checked all of the paperwork that would be necessary, and learned about the training that it would need to be able to help Neil with his panic attacks.</p><p>At no point during this process did he think that Neil would react so strongly. Sure, there was always the chance that he would argue against the need, but the poorly concealed panic in his eyes was a different story.</p><p>Andrew was still cursing himself for nearly sending Neil into another spiral after the horrible one during the game. </p><p>This morning had been quiet. Kevin was worried about Neil and showed it by snapping at Neil for letting the team down. Neil looked like he was going to throw up his breakfast, and his eyes were shadowed and far away. Yet he still insisted on going to practice, and then class after.</p><p>Bee’s office was as warm and welcoming as always. Sunlight glinted off of the glass figurines on her bookshelves, and the room smelt of hot chocolate and some sort of lavender cleaning product.</p><p>It was familiar, and Andrew breathed it in while Bee spoke about her day. </p><p>“Is there something that you wanted to speak about in particular today Andrew?” Bee smiled as she passed over the mug of hot chocolate. </p><p>“Neil.”</p><p>Bee nods and gets comfortable, waiting for Andrew to find the right words. He has always struggled with choosing his words, since he wants them to be exactly right.</p><p>“He had a panic attack yesterday during the game. Wymack scared him during halftime.”</p><p>Bee nods and tilts her head while Andrew tries to figure out what he wants to ask her. He doesn’t want to tell Bee more than Neil would be comfortable with, even though Neil had given him to go ahead to say whatever he wanted about him during appointments. </p><p>“I brought up the idea of getting a support animal,” Andrew finally says. “And he did not like that idea.”</p><p>“Okay. Did he say anything about why he doesn’t like that idea?”</p><p>Andrew shifts. He doesn’t usually have this difficult of a time speaking to Bee, but it’s harder when it’s about Neil. “I almost made him have another panic attack. He said he didn’t want to be babysat.”</p><p>Bee nods again. Andrew wonders if she ever has neck issues with all the nodding she does during the day. “Perhaps we could come up with a way to explain what a support animal does, and why you think it would be helpful for him to have one? It sounds like maybe Neil has a different idea of what a support animal would do than you do, so if we can find a way to communicate your idea differently, Neil might accept it.”</p><p>They spend the rest of the session coming up with a script for Andrew to broach the topic again. He isn’t entirely convinced that it will work.</p><p>-</p><p>Neils bad day passes a few days later. He isn’t sure what caused it, or why it lasted so long this time. He can’t help but feel a bit irritated with himself for wallowing for so long. He’s grouchy with Betsy at his next appointment, and she gives him another workbook for him to try. This one has less writing and more space for him to use. It even has spots where it encourages him to doodle. He feels like a child looking at it, and he can’t meet Andrew’s eyes when he meets him at the car after the appointment.</p><p>It’s days later before he cracks the workbook open again. He had apologized to Wymack before practice, and he couldn’t get the kind way that Wymack spoke to him out of his mind. </p><p>“I’m not mad, kid. I’m worried about you,” Wymack had said gruffly. He had then told him that if he needed anything, he was there for him. Both of them left the meeting red faced and uncomfortable. It felt like a miracle that Wymack didn’t try to do the half side hug thing that he did when Dan was sad sometimes.</p><p>He waits until the dorm is empty before he pulls out the workbook. His homework is sitting beside him so that he can pretend he was working on that instead if anyone comes in. He isn’t sure why it bothers him so much to think of anyone knowing that he was doing this, but his face burns every time he thinks about the book that had been hidden away under his clothes in the drawer.</p><p>He reads each paragraph closely, having to take breaks constantly to get his emotions under control. The parts where he can write and draw are easier, and he gets lost in it for a while.</p><p>Until Andrew walks in, that is. He doesn’t notice the figure leaning against the door jam at first, and he freezes once he does.</p><p>He gives Andrew a look that would be close to a deer in headlights, one hand reaching out to cover the page that he was currently drawing on. Andrew looks more relaxed than he has in ages, and a corner of his mouth twitches up when he sees Neils expression.</p><p>“Do you want me to go?” he says. </p><p>Neil blushes and looks down at the book before shaking his head slowly. Andrew grabs his book and climbs onto the bed beside him, getting comfortable before slowly reaching up to touch Neils back. Neil leans back into the touch, and Andrew starts rubbing his back slowly, making sure to keep his gaze completely on his book.</p><p>After a while, Neil turns his attention back to the page he was working on, and they sit in the room until Kevin gets back for practice.</p><p>-</p><p>A week later, Andrew still hasn’t used the script that him and Bee came up with. She asks him about it at every appointment, and just gives him a knowing look every time he admits that he hasn’t brought it up yet.</p><p>He is contemplating it again as he walks home from class. The thought derails when he sees Neil standing in the center of the living room when he gets into the dorm. He looks lost, but not the kind that comes after a thought spiral. Andrew is furious at himself when he visibly relaxes when Neil grins at him.</p><p>His smile is a bit self-conscious, and he bites his lip as Andrew gets closer. Andrew has the sudden urge to grab Neil and kiss him, but he demonstrates an incredible amount of restraint by just raising an eyebrow in question at Neil.</p><p>“Matt and Dan gave me a movie that they thought I should see,” Neil says sheepishly. His whole body is moving slightly, hands fidgeting and foot toeing at the ground. Andrew is constantly fascinated with how much energy Neil has all the time.</p><p>He raises his eyebrow again, since that doesn’t actually explain why he is standing in the center of the living room like he doesn’t belong there.</p><p>Neil scratches at the back of his neck, a blush rising in his cheeks. “I thought that maybe you would like it. And that you would maybe want to watch it. With me.”</p><p>He gapes at Neil for a moment before grabbing the back of his neck and kissing him.</p><p>Neils whole face lights up, making Andrews chest hurt.</p><p>“Okay,” he tries to say impassively as Neil tugs him down on the beanbag and hands him a blanket and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. He can’t take his eyes off of Neil, who is currently getting comfortable in the other beanbag chair. He’s dragged it over so its right beside Andrew’s, but not touching. Andrew tugs it closer, and Neil grins again. </p><p>He can feel Neils eyes on him through most of the movie, but he lets it go. And he has to admit, the movie is actually very good. He taps a finger along to the music to show Neil that he is enjoying it, and Neil wiggles closer in his chair. </p><p>Andrew texts Kevin to stay out of the room after the movie is done, and completely forgets to bring up the support animal thing again.</p><p>-</p><p>He can’t ignore it anymore. Two nights later, and he decides that he will absolutely bring up the topic tomorrow morning. Neil has been back to his normal self for a while now, and he would rather discuss this now rather than wait for another bad panic attack or nightmare to hit. He’s running the script through his head when Neil moves in his sleep. Again.</p><p>Neil doesn’t normally move in his sleep ever. Something about his mom, Neil had never said specifically, but it makes Andrew feel ridiculously protective every time he thinks about it.</p><p>Tonight, Neil has been moving every few minutes.</p><p>Without thinking, Andrew brings his hand up to Neils forehead, mumbling his name as he does so. Neil doesn’t wake up, and his forehead practically burns Andrew's hand.</p><p>“Neil,” he says again, a bit louder. Kevin groans in his sleep before turning around. Neil doesn’t respond.</p><p>Panic wars with concern, and Andrew grabs his phone to call Abby. He stares down at Neil while listening to Abby’s phone ring, hoping that he’ll wake up and be fine before Abby picks up. Also hoping that Abby will pick up and he won’t have to go wake up Aaron to help him.</p><p>“Andrew? Is everything okay?” Abby sounds groggy, probably because it’s almost 3 in the morning.</p><p>“Neil has a fever. He won’t wake up.”</p><p>“Okay, have you taken his temperature?” He can hear the concern in her voice, but it quickly becomes professional as she wakes up.</p><p>Andrew doesn’t bother responding, just goes and grabs the thermometer and mutters something to Neil as he gently gives him the thermometer. Neil accepts it in his sleep, but his eyes stay shut.</p><p>“103.”</p><p>Abby sounds wide awake now. “Okay, I’m going to come over, is that alright? If it was just below that I wouldn’t be too concerned, but I want to make sure that he doesn’t need a more serious treatment.”</p><p>Andrews stomach clenches and he nods, despite knowing that Abby can’t see him. He stays on the phone, and she does too. He can hear her car, the radio on quietly as she makes her way to the dorms. </p><p>Andrew hangs up when he hears a knock on the door, and he almost doesn’t want to leave Neil alone while he goes to get the door.</p><p>Abby looks tired but alert when she comes in. She’s wearing sweats and a shirt that he suspects may belong to Wymack, her medical bag in hand as she comes in.</p><p>Kevin is still sound asleep as they come into the room. Abby gets his temperature again and starts ordering Andrew around to fetch things. He doesn’t mind, it’s easier to have something to do instead of just standing around waiting for Abby to proclaim that Neil would not survive. </p><p>He knows that’s not what is going to happen, but Andrews mind can’t help but come up with scenarios. </p><p>They finally move Neil into the couch in the living room so that they can open the window to cool off the room and not listen to Kevin snore.</p><p>There is a cool cloth on his forehead, and he has opened his eyes a few times. Abby even got him to drink some water and take some medication.</p><p>Andrew is hovering like a nervous mother.</p><p>It’s nearly 4:30 in the morning and the sun is just starting to come up, softening the sky. Abby and Andrew are watching the news on the lowest volume while Neil sleeps on the couch. Andrew keeps turning around to watch, trying to play it off so that Abby doesn’t notice. Abby most definitely has noticed.</p><p>Neil makes a sound in the back of his throat and Andrew whips around. A pair of very blue eyes are looking at him through a haze of medication and fever. </p><p>Abby grabs the thermometer again and kneels down beside him, speaking in a soothing voice. </p><p>“Abby,” Neil says in a slightly slurred voice. He looks young and vulnerable, cocooned in a nest of blankets. Abby hums.</p><p>He closes his eyes and mumbles something incomprehensible. Abby is doing her best to encourage him to sit up so he can drink some juice. His eyes are focused on the glass like he’s never seen anything like it before.</p><p>“I can’t take care of something,” Neil tells her earnestly. Abby smiles.</p><p>“You don’t have to take care of anything, we’re going to take care of you.”</p><p>He frowns. “No, I can’t take care of anything. I can’t do that, what if I killed it? Or forgot to feed it?”</p><p>Abby turns to look at Andrew, confusion clear on her face. Andrew is starting to see where Neil is going with this.</p><p>She finally gets him vaguely upright, and he looks exhausted as he leans against the back of the couch. Andrew reaches forward to tuck the blanket around him and gives Abby a blank stare when she gives him a fond look.</p><p>“I don’t want Andrew to get tired of taking care of me,” Neil says, letting his eyes fall closed again. Abby looks bemused, and she rubs his shoulder to get him to drink some more juice. </p><p>“Baby, Andrew will never get tired of that,” she says while looking at Andrew. He can feel his ears burn, and he gives her his best glare. She ignores it completely.</p><p>“And I don’t like dogs,” Neil slurs. </p><p>“What do dogs have to do with this?” Abby finally asks. </p><p>“Why don’t you like dogs,” Andrew says to Neil, ignoring her.</p><p>Neil’s fever isn’t as bad now, but he looks weak and pitiful as he leans to the side, obviously wanting to lie down again. He shudders a bit and says something that Andrew doesn’t fully catch. He only hears the name ‘Lola’. </p><p>Andrew refuses to regret things, but there is a feeling in his chest that he does not like at all when he thinks of Neil with Lola.</p><p>Andrew sits down carefully on the couch, then tugs Neil down to lie his head on his lap. Abby smiles gently and brings the empty glass to the kitchen to give them some space. </p><p>Andrew speaks quietly. He’s not even sure that Neil will remember this later, but he feels the need to comfort him for some odd reason.</p><p>“I was thinking,” Andrew says slowly. “And cats are much more our style. They aren’t as high maintenance, so you wouldn’t have to worry about it as much. And they can be trained just as well as dogs can.”</p><p>Neil hums as Andrew starts to card his fingers through his hair. “Would they help with panic attacks?”</p><p>Andrew can’t avoid the massive feeling of pride over the fact that Neil actually used the term. He’s never used it like that before, never accepted that those times when he felt ‘kind of nervous’, as he used to explain them, could actually be something with medical terminology.</p><p>“Yes, they could help with panic attacks.”</p><p>Neil nods, his body relaxing back into sleep. </p><p>-</p><p>Betsy helps with the paperwork and all of the logistics. Neil has three panic attacks during the whole process. Once when he sees the document that confirms that he has been diagnosed with PTSD, once when they go to visit the cats for the first time, and once on their fifth visit when a cat climbs on his lap.</p><p>Neil can’t get over the idea that he could be dangerous to such a small creature, but when he ends up with scratches on his already ruined arms, he decides that they are pretty strong little creatures. </p><p>Andrew doesn’t get irritated a single time. He’s a calming presence, always there. It’s even become a bit of a team exercise, going to visit the cats and volunteering to clean kennels and play.</p><p>They eventually end up with a ragdoll cat that has been following Neil around since their first visit, one that Nicky names ‘Sir Fat Cat McCatterson’ on the third trip.</p><p>Sir fits in to the dorm seamlessly, and Neil has to admit that the purring and weight of a cat does help with the anxiety. </p><p>On his first bad day after bringing her home she crawls onto his chest and purrs until he has stopped hyperventilating. Andrew comes back from class 20 minutes later to the both of them having a nap on the floor in the sun, and he feels something like pride at Neil for how far he has come.</p>
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